Surgical Resection

Yesterday we went into MSK main hospital on york ave for the surgery. The plan was to take out the gallbladder, 80% of the liver, the tumor and to reconstruct the bile ducts. they had us come at 9:15am and they immediately had her go in to change and wait in the back room. Mom asked to wait to see her sons before she changed into the hospital gown. My brothers are both in their mid to late 30's and were only about 3 mins behind us getting to the hospital.

They took some blood vials for research purposes and took her vital signs. They used a very neat thermometer that had a rolling ball at the end and it rolled around her forehead and behind her ear for a split second to get her temp. It was pretty cool.

Surgery was scheduled for 12:15 but the case before her lasted a bit longer so she didn't end up going in until 1:45- the wait was brutual for her. She was very anxious and her pain meds were wearing off so she was starting to be in pain. There was nothing we could do but wait with her. We all stayed behind in the waiting/ patient room- 5 of us for over 2 hours or so and the nurses never bothered us. They walked her to surgery down the hall and we went to the main waiting room with a pager in hand. The pager works within a 2 mile radius outside of the hospital, which was great because they wouldn't allow any food or drink into the waiting area because the patients were fasting.

We went to a little italian place on 69th and tried to eat something to keep up our strength. It wasn't easy- I could barely focus on the letters on the menu to make words, nevermind choose a plate. We finally ordered and were muching on some bread and an appetizer when I got a phone call from the nurse to return. She said: "your mother is ok, she is stable. The doctor wants to talk to you about some options. Can you come back soon?" I jumped out of the table and started to gather my things immediately. We decided to have my oldest brother and my sister in law stay in the restaurant since the food was still about 15 mins away.

They pulled us into a conference room and dr fong came in from surgery with a few other folks to explain that the tumor had grown interconnected with the bile ducts, the liver and the gallbladder. There was no way to seperate them- resection was no longer an option. The other plan was to put in the chemo pump to give meds into the liver but because the lymph nodes were also biopsyed to be cancerous, this was now no longer an option. We didn't plan for any plan c. Sometimes I feel like talking to doctors about the next steps is like believing sam champion about the weather on abc news. Sounds reasonable, but never happens.

So they decided to close her back up. They opened, they saw, they closed. wow, every shread of hope left the room. We called the others to join us, the dr left. When they arrived a nurse/therapist wanted us to give them the info with her in the room to make sure that the translation was right. It was painful to hear it again and we all diverted our eyes to something- anything else but each other.

The next hours waiting for her to come out and to see her were awful. I said to the dr and the nurse that 1- she is going to be pissed and 2- she will want to hear this news the second she opens her eyes, and only from dr fong' s mouth. I was very serious about this. The next step was to breathe and regain consciousness. Every one in my family jumped to say they would tell her the news, but knowing what I do now- I KNEW that her reaction and the way the news was delivered was crucial.

The dr came in right after surgery- THANK GOD and it gave her a sense of calming to hear it from him, if anyone. Our next step is to consult with dr kemeny and find a chemo conconction that will keep it from growing larger.

We were finally allowed to see her at 5:30 that evening and she was in serious pain. When we all went back, she immediately started a family meeting to discuss what dr fong had spoken with her about. I was shoked that under those circumstances, the details were crystal clear and positive. Now, I had more hope back. We stayed for 10 mins and then were asked to leave. Instead of 24 hours in the recovery room- she would be transferred tonight to a regular room. The rest of the family left and I stayed with my father. I wrote out an email to all of our family and friends- what a tough email. If you don't say enough they will all call and write asking for more info. If you say what they told you- everyone will cry. I have learned to walk the very thin line of giving this info and always showing hope.

Mom didn't get into her room until 9:30 that night. I began to realize that i never ate lunch or dinner and started dreaming of pizza and ice cream as we waited. I get a bit antsy so I kept asking the timeline and they let us up to her room to wait. We met her roommate, angela. We stayed until about 10:15 because she was in so much pain - I pushed the nurses to change the pain meds as they haven't been working and begged mom to stop feeling shy about pushing the damn button.

I was pryed away that night, wishing i could just stay but knowing that i needed a break. I went to my best friend's apt in the city and we went for a walk to get nacho's and ice cream. I didn't sleep and tried to just stop crying- long enough to remember where to find hope.